The Ancient Shark Of Despair's blog

Monday, May 18th 2009
The grocery kid looked like he had something to tell me yesterday. Well I had something to tell him too.

“From now on I want three cans of tuna, not just one.” I said. He looked at me. He finished putting the groceries on the floor and just looked at me. “I think I like tuna more now. I don't want to have it just once a week any more.” I didn't really feel that I had to explain myself like that. It should be obvious. But if I don't give him big, clear reasons for things then he'll just ignore me and next week he'll buy exactly what he wants rather than what I said. It's not that he forgets, it's because he thinks that I make decisions without having a good reason for them. So I have to make sure my reasons are big and sure so that they'll override his reasons for doubting me. It is exhausting.
“You know this is the last time I'm doing this before I go up to Greyton,” he said.
“Greyton, hey?” I said. I wanted to smile because I knew that none of that was going to happen now. I had the deeds and it was all going back to normal. I thought about telling him but knew it wasn't safe to say yet.
“Yes,” he said. “I'll be very busy next weekend and then, after that - ” he moved his elbows to show that the future is uncertain. “He said about getting things organised for you,” he was talking about the landlord. I remained silent. “Maybe you could get one of your little friends to do it, like that little blonde meisiekind. She could do it again, couldn't she?” I said 'yes,' and agreed, which was a trap because it meant I was telling him that I'd got Sarah to fill in for him that one time. He nodded because he'd won and then he turned to leave forever. He wouldn't bring my shopping round any more. He was wrong, of course, and he'd find out that he hadn't won at all and actually I was winning because Greyton and the developers isn't going to happen any more and he'll be back here fetching my shopping for me in two weeks' time. That did mean that I'd have to get someone to be the grocery kid for this week while it still wasn't safe to tell him how things really are. I was on the phone to Sarah as soon as he shut the door.
“Oh hey Sharky, what's up?” said Sarah. First I checked to see how she was doing to be polite. I asked about her visa and how hard it was to get one. “Yeah, it's fine,” she said. “Listen Sharky, I'm at the shop. I can't really chat now.” I asked her to wait, because I wanted to talk about something important. She thought I was talking about David for some reason. “Sharky, David is really freaked out by your last mail. He showed it to me. He says he might show his dad, hey.” I said I didn't know what she was talking about. “The e-mails, the ones you sent. Listen, I've got to go. I'm about to get in the car.”

She was gone. There was no one in the room with me. No one would get my groceries for me. I could hear the grocery kid still getting down the stairs. Him with his back – he's so slow. I ran out my door and moved as quickly as I could down the stairs. I have to be careful on the stairs because of my tail, but I can go fast if I'm not carrying something, which I wasn't, because I can grab onto the railing and pull myself along. When I got outside he was untying his dogs and telling them all their names. He looked up at me and then looked back at the dogs, pretending not to be surprised.
“You're outside,” he said.
“Yeah. I come out here sometimes,” I said and it was true. “These are your dogs.” This was true too. They came around me and sniffed and wondered what was going on. They'd probably never smelled a shark before. I stayed very still.
“Come here!” yelled the grocery kid at them. “Leave him alone now, come to me.” They went over to him like he said and sniffed at him instead and licked his hands, which is gross. “This is Sam,” he said, pointing to the big Weimaraner with human eyes. “He's not feeling so well right now, we're going to give him his medicine just now.”
“Hello Sam,” I said.
“Hello! He says 'hello,' ” repeated the grocery kid to Sam. I guess Sam can only hear it when the grocery kid speaks. “And this is Bertie, Sam's friend,” he touched Bertie's head and he jumped up half way up the grocery kid's leg.
“Hello Bertie,” I said.
“And here's Queenie, because he's the boss of everyone,” he said, and now he touched the head of a black sort of terrier. Queenie looked around at him and grinned.
“Hi Queenie,” I said. Queenie looked at me. He had the same grin.
“This old guy here is Stompie. He's the one we've always got to wait for when we're walking, shame. You've met Stompie before, when he was a young man.” I was pretty certain that I'd never been Stompie before in my life.
“Hello Stompie,” I said. “Again.”
“They're all very pleased to meet you,” said the grocery kid. “They've been coming here all this time with the shopping and didn't know who we'd come here to see.”
“Please can you do the groceries again next week?” I said. He smiled.
“Okay. I can make a plan. See you then.”
“Thanks,” I said, but he didn't leave then. He looked around. Up, left, right, behind. He was looking at the world.
“Isn't it nice out here? We must make the most of it, it'll be cold soon.” I looked at the places he'd looked.
“Yeah, it's fine,” I said. I looked at my building. It was hard to think of it as mine in the past, but now it had a real look of solidity to it. I felt like I could pick the whole thing up if I wanted. I tried to remember why I hadn't wanted any dogs to come inside. I must have made that rule a long time ago. I haven't made any rules for years. Maybe I should make some more.

First rule: three cans of tuna a week, not one. Things are going to go my way from now on.

Friday, May 15th 2009

Celene came to me last night. It was very late but I was staying up listening to Sarah's music. She knocked on the door o-so-softly and very quickly. I didn't even hear it at first, I thought it was part of the music. But you can't mistake a knock like that for anything but Celene. It's impossible.

And there she was in the hallway. She looked beautiful in the dark. Not the same sort of beautiful she was when I met her – her body and face is a completely different shape now – but beautiful in the way that hope is beautiful. It's always there, but sometimes you're not in the mood to think about it too much. She had something with her but she wouldn't give it to me until she got inside. When she came in she immediately sat down on the same spot of the bed she always sits on. I've had that bed for a long time now. Sarah always sits right on the middle. Celene sits right on the edge with her hands folded. She doesn't want to look like she's intruding.

She gave me the papers she had. I didn't know what they were at first. I tried to ask her what she was showing me but I couldn't quite understand her.
“The heya! The heya!” she was saying as she pointed at the papers. The papers were in my hands now. They looked legal and bankish. She said a lot of things very fast and louder than usual.
“My Japanese isn't so good any more,” I said. I tried to say it in Japanese but I took so long that she started going again. She pointed to the walls, then the roof, and moved her arms around in a circle around her body. I looked at the papers. They were the deeds to the property. Celene looked at me. The look said, “This is your house again.” It also said, “I never stopped loving you.”

She stayed for a while. I thought about kissing her but the moment wasn't there. The atmosphere was too charged and she sat down the whole time. She made some tea, of course, and we talked as best as we could. I showed her a lot of the websites I had bookmarked – some of them are pretty old but she hadn't seen them before. She liked them, but she didn't get the jokes in a lot of videos. They didn't have subtitles and everyone talked very fast in them.

She crept back downstairs after two cups of tea. She even washed up her cup and put the dry dishes away in the kitchen. She said that she didn't want me to be on my own. That's nice of her, but she never quite got the whole SHARK = BEING ALONE thing I kept telling her about. I hid the deeds in my cupboard, along with the landlord's mother's box and the grocery kid's play and the box that used to contain all my money. I think I knew that this is how it would go the whole time. I never really believed that I was moving out or that the house would get knocked down. Things like that don't just happen all of a sudden.

I didn't get to sleep for a long time because I was pretty excited. I could let my brain think about the future again. I think I might totally rearrange my room. I've been thinking about putting the bed nearer to the door. It would be away from the window then but it would mean I could move my desk and my computer. It struck me that I've got all these empty rooms in my house now. I could have one room for my bed, one room for my computer and so on. I could have a whole room that I just used for a kitchen. That could get pretty annoying, going from room to room all the time, especially if I had to go up and down the stairs.

Maybe I'll just keep things the same.

Wednesday, May 13th 2009

So the landlord breezes in this morning, no big deal, nothing special. That's how he acts. But that's not how it is.

“Where did you go?” I said. I actually interrupted him to say this because he hadn't explained himself yet. He'd been talking about the weather. He's always giving me updates on that.
“I've been busy organising things, Shark,” he said. He was pouring juice for us. He was pouring it slow. All I did was open my mouth and make an “Uuhhh” noise because I didn't believe him. I worked really well. There's just no defence against it. He passed me the juice and looked right at me, which is something he doesn't normally do, but he missed it because I wasn't looking at him. I was looking at my juice. “I was up in Greyton. I was looking at the new house. I signed all the papers and had a look around.”
“Is it nice?” I asked quietly. I sipped my juice. It takes me a long time to sip from a cup so he had a long time to think about an answer.
“Yes, it's nice. It's a good house. There's a garage. It's quite old. It's got DSTV. I went to meet all the new neighbours. You know who's just moved in two roads down from the house?”
“Who?” I asked. I thought Moe, maybe, but then I thought that David was more realistic.
“Mr. Roberts,” he said with a smile. “Our Mr. Roberts. You know, from downstairs.” I nodded. It made sense. When a show on TV starts on a new season, sometimes it's all now set in a different place. Sometimes the characters are different or there are new ones you didn't know about, but there are usually a few characters who get carried over and maybe given more to do. Mr. Roberts must be one of those. I guess that means that I'm one of the characters who got cut.

I didn't say any of this to the landlord. He's been watching less and less TV with me lately and he might have forgotten how it all works. You can't trust him to understand TV if I'm not there. I have to explain almost everything to him.
“I don't like that guy,” I said instead.
“I know you don't,” he sighed. He'd finished his juice already. He doesn't normally drink juice that quickly. Here's why he did that: He had news.
“Die kind is coming down here,” he said. “With Henrietta. I spoke to him this morning.”
“Oh, why's that?” I said. I knew I'd get excited about this later but it hadn't kicked in yet. The landlord put his glass down and touched his face. He raised his voice which, for him, means you don't have to strain to hear it.
“To help with the move, of course! We've got to be out of here in two weeks!”
“Two weeks?” I checked. It's funny how I thought I couldn't hear him even though he was talking more loudly than usual.
“Yes, Shark. In two weeks they're coming to knock all this down!” I frowned. I felt this was a bit extreme.
“They won't knock it down if we're still here though. We don't have to worry so much do we?” I said. He let his body sort of fold up like a relaxed hand.
“We signed contracts,” he said. “There are schedules, Shark. They're going to build four townhouses here and work starts on the first. It's all organised.” I didn't have anything to sat to that. You can't fight something that's organised. That's basically what a community is – a lot of people organising things and making promises and sticking to the schedule. I don't think a real community would need contracts though. They'd have trust instead.
“Who's going to live in the townhouses?” I asked.
“I don't know, Shark,” he said and then he poured some more juice.

He left shortly after that but he came back in the evening. He looked wild.
“Who put all that rubbish in the rooms?” he said. I shook my head and kept on shaking it. I was trying not to smile because I still felt a bit silly about filling up the rooms like that. I didn't try hard enough though and he caught my smile right in the open.
“Shark, you shouldn't do that, it stinks to high heaven now!” I tried to look away but now he was smiling too. He was trying to be angry and I was trying to be nothing at all and we both couldn't do it. “I'll have to air them all out now!” he said and he made his arms wide to show 'air.' He was almost laughing. He put his arms back down, shook his head and we looked at each other. “Come and help me take them downstairs. Come on - you and me.” I looked at him in the usual way. “There's no one here. No one to upset you, Sharky.”
I knew that.
“So come on,” he said and he opened the front door and kept it open. A breeze came out. He must have opened some windows somewhere but I didn't hear the alarm going off. I thought about getting my towels but I didn't even need them. We went together into the hallway, down the stairs and all over the rooms.

I felt in control but not in a mean way. I could walk where I liked and speak at whatever volume I chose. I didn't have to duck past windows and close the doors. Just me and my landlord, walking around our house. It was like a sitcom. It was like we were roommates. I told some jokes from that movie we watched on my birthday and we both laughed. I told him how I wished there were plaques in every room that told us who had lived in them. He said that a lot of people had lived in the rooms over the years – they'd come and gone and they hadn't stayed here the whole time like us. Some of the rooms on the ground floor would have plaques all over the walls! He said it was still a good idea though.

We even went back up to his room and hung out with Celene for a while. She made us lunch and I told her my idea about the plaques too, but I don't think she understood me very well. I told her what my plaque would say but she just went back into kitchen. I got pretty tired after that with all the moving around and talking and everything so I went back to my pad. It was much too early to go to bed so I played around on the internet a bit. I thought about looking for @groombridge out there but I realised I wasn't in the mood.

Monday, May 11th 2009

I went out early this morniung to take the garbage out, which is something I normally do on a Monday. I go out early because I don't want anyone to see me and stop me and maybe ask me to explain myself. But that isn't really necessary any more because there's no one here now.

It wasn't really a surprise to me because I'd seen them all move out and leave in the trucks. Some of them had to tie the trunks of their cars shut with clothesline or tie beds onto their backies and I sometimes felt like shouting, “Be careful! It might not work!” from my window but I never did. Even though I'd seen all those things and heard the emptiness when my computer was off, it was still surprising to go downstairs and actually feel it.

It was a slow feeling and I didn't even notice it was in me at first. I thought I was just taking out the garbage like usual. But as I went downstairs I noticed that the place sounded bigger and emptier. When I got to the bottom of the stairs, I saw that the doors to the rooms were open all the way down the corridor. Every door. I think it was the strangest thing I've ever seen. There weren't any secrets or personal space or hurt feelings to keep separate from everyone any more. All the room were just flowing into each other as if they were the same place. It made the walls look so silly – they weren't doing anything any more, they were just getting in the way. I dropped my black bags, closed my eyes and walked down the corridor while I counted softly. When I got to the right number I stopped walking, opened my eyes and went into the room closest to me. I was pretty relieved to see that the room wasn't empty. I don't think I could have handled it if the very first room had been a vacuum like that. The people who'd lived there had left a few special things to show the future that they'd been alive. I found an old arm cast covered in signatures and messages from a long time ago. There was a bag of screws too, but that didn't have any real messages on it.

Other people left other things. Sometimes it was just a ball of scrunched-up Scooby-Doo wire or half a light switch cover but sometimes there was a big thing like a whole picture frame with a picture in it left leaning against the wall. Sometimes there was nothing at all and when that happened, there was no way to figure out the kind of person or people who'd lived in that particular room. You didn't know what kind of pictures they liked to have up or what someone would have written on their arm if it was broken or even what kind of screws they used. You had nothing but a paint colour and some old smells to match up to the voices you'd heard come in through the window over the years.

I felt bad about those rooms so I went back upstairs and fetched the extra bags of garbage I had stashed in my back room. I felt a bit silly, but I put them in some of the empty rooms, in the corner or the bathroom or just behind the door – I tried to make it different each time. I guess I did it so that anyone who came through here in the future would have something they could use to make an image in their minds of the the people who lived here in my building. The picture would be wrong though, because they'd be using my things to make it. All the empty-room people would be me.

I want to get a plaque in my room so that people who come through here later on can get a good picture of me in their minds that isn't wrong or of someone else. I'd put it up above the bed next to the window or behind a poster to make it mysterious.

It would say:

THE ANCIENT SHARK OF DESPAIR
LIVED HERE
HE UNDERSTOOD US AND WHAT IT WAS LIKE
THEN HE WENT BACK INTO SPACE

On the other side of the plaque would be a key. You'd only find it if you unscrewed everything. The plaque wouldn't tell you what the key was for. You just had to hang onto it and not lost it and eventually you'll find the right door. By the time you find it, you'll know what's behind it. You won't be able to help but smile as you open it.

Thursday, May 7th 2009

SCENE 1 – DAY EXT.
DAVID sits in the garden, meditating, while his GREAT UNCLE works on his latest STATUE.

DAVID (v/o): Not everything you do turns out the way you want. That's something I've learned from watching the people around me. It's amazing what you can learn about people just by checking them out.

Pan over to the GREAT UNCLE working on his statue. He is carving out a band of soldiers, charging towards an unseen enemy, their bayonets fixed.

DAVID (v/o): Take my GREAT UNCLE's statue, for instance. That's never working out the way he wants it to be.

GREAT UNCLE: Aw, I forgot to leave space for the eagles!

GREAT UNCLE dons a welding mask and takes a blowtorch to the statue, melting it.

------LAUGHTER------

DAVID (v/o): Sometimes your whole life can turn out to be something you didn't want.

Cut to GREAT UNCLE'S WIFE, working away slowly and sadly at her NASA console. She looks at a photo framed on top of the console. The photo is of her YOUNGER SELF playing tennis. She touches the photo.

DAVID (v/o): Sometimes even a marriage can start out as one thing and turn into something else without you wanting it to.

Cut to RIC looking out of his bedroom window. He sees the MOON. He tries to touch it like the GREAT UNCLE'S WIFE touched the picture of her YOUNGER SELF, but the MOON is too far away. RIC loses his balance and almost falls out the window!

------LAUGHTER------

DAVID (v/o): Sometimes you can even get married in a way that you didn't want. That's what happened to my neighbour RIC once. It was like this...

SCENE 2 – DAY INT.

RIC is in the front room. He is making a ROLL-UP CIGARETTE on the table. There is a big cup of guava juice on the table in front of him and a pillow for putting his feet up on. He looks like he is concentrating pretty hard. CAROLYN calls from upstairs.

CAROLYN (o/s): RIC!

RIC doesn't answer, but he moves his head to show us that he's heard her. He is just too busy right now with his ROLL-UP. CAROLYN appears at the top of the stairs.

CAROLYN: RIC! Can you hear me down there?
RIC: I can hear you honey, I just need to finish this cigarette!

------LAUGHTER------

CAROLYN walks down the stairs.

CAROLYN: Oh, you and your ROLL-UPS. You know how bad for you they are.

CAROLYN takes the ROLL-UP from RIC's lips just as he is about to light it! RIC pulls the saddest face in the world.

------LAUGHTER------ (at RIC's sad face)

RIC: But honey -
CAROLYN: Yes, yes I know dear – the outer space radiation made it so you can never die, but you'll still make it smell bad in here!

RIC's face is still the saddest face in the world. He never gets his ROLL-UP.

------LAUGHTER------

CAROLYN: You can shut up with that face, dear. You can have your ROLL-UP when you've come back from the wedding.
RIC (surprised): The wedding?!

------LAUGHTER------

CAROYLN: Yes, don't you remember? My old theatre friend, Taro, his daughter is getting married out on his farm and I've been invited. But I can't go so you'll have to go in my place.
RIC: Why can't you go?

PROF. BURZUM enters through the front door.

------LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE------

BURZUM: She's on the verge of a psychological break-through, that's why!
RIC: Hi, PROFESSOR BURZUM.
BURZUM: Hi, RIC. A pleasure, as always.
CAROLYN: BURZUM says we're just one weekend of hard psychology away from unravelling the trauma spirals in my mind!
BURZUM: The very same trauma spirals that were put there when you went into space, RIC.

Close up on RIC. He smiles, half-embarrassed.

------LAUGHTER------

SCENE 2 – RIC'S CAR. DAY

RIC is driving in the car with GREAT UNCLE, who is working on his STATUE in the car. It is just a weird lump of metal right now.

UNCLE: Thanks for inviting me to this wedding, RIC. I love weddings. Maybe this one will inspire me.
RIC: Good to have you along.
UNCLE: Hey RIC,
RIC: What?
UNCLE: If you're standing in for CAROLYN does that make me -you?-

------LAUGHTER------

UNCLE: Because I'd make a pretty good RIC, don't you think? Here's me being RIC:

GREAT UNCLE does the same sad face that RIC did earlier.

UNCLE (RIC voice): Oh, oh, help me, it's so lonely in space, oh no.

------LAUGHTER------

UNCLE: It's easy being you!
RIC: Okay, I think this is the place.

GREAT UNCLE looks out the window.

UNCLE: This is a farm? It looks like a blimming theatre camp!

RIC stops the car.

RIC: What's a theatre camp?
UNCLE: Let's go find out!

------LAUGHTER------

They leave the CAR.

SCENE 3 – DAY EXT.

RIC and GREAT UNCLE look up at a big raised stage. They are down amongst the AUDIENCE'S seats. On the stage is a mock-up of the inside of a CHURCH.

UNCLE: I don't get it. Do we sit down here or up there in the fake church?
TARO (o/s): In the audience, of course!

RIC and GREAT UNCLE turn around to see TARO standing behind them.

TARO: Only trained actors are permitted on the stage during the perfomance.
UNCLE: Yeah, we're actors – want to see my RIC impression?

GREAT UNCLE pulls his RIC FACE.

------LAUGHTER------

TARO (impressed): Ah, I did not realise. CAROLYN never told me you and your friend here were practicioners of the craft. Of course, you can sit up on stage with the others during the play.
UNCLE: Front row seats. Great!

------LAUGHTER------

TARO: But first you must join us for the pre-perfomance lunch. One can never act on an empty stomach!
UNCLE: No, you sure can't.
RIC: Where's the happy couple, Mr. TARO?
TARO: My daughter is being made ready, but she is under special surveillance because of her doubts.

------LAUGHTER------

TARO: The groom you will meet at lunch.
UNCLE: But won't that mean that the bride – the star of the show – will be acting on an empty stomach?
TARO: Ah, but my friend – she will not be acting! For her it will be the real thing!

RIC and GREAT UNCLE look at each other, confused.

SCENE 4 – DAY INT.
We are in TARO's DINING ROOM. RIC, GREAT UNCLE, TARO, MONOPOLY and SOME EXTRAS are sitting around the dining table, eating wedding food.

TARO (checks watch): Eat quickly. I have to be back at my desk in fifteen minutes.

------LAUGHTER------

RIC: So, MONOPOLY, it's your big wedding day, how did you meet -
TARO: SELINA. My daughter's name is SELINA.
MONOPOLY: I met her on the internet, yeah? My man TAR here put out an ad for actors and I've got real stage experience, man. Acting is the most up-front honesty there is, and there's nothing more real than me up there at the mic, you understand?
RIC: I understand.
MONOPOLY: That's good. You're smart.
TARO: I have spent many years writing this play. Soon, everyone will see MONOPOLY marry my SELINA to my words. The words will mean everything they say, because after they are said, they really will be married.
MONOPOLY: It's all this legal stuff, it's a real marriage even though it's a play. You understand that?
RIC: I understand.
UNCLE: SELINA must be a lucky girl to have all this attention! My wife's father didn't care at all about our wedding, so long as it stopped me from hanging round the house, he was happy with anything.

------KNOWING LAUGHTER------

TARO: Well, she's not happy with anything, you know.
MONOPOLY: She's locked in her room, just crying like a little brat right now.
TARO: Okay, lunch break over, everyone. I've got to get to the office. See you at curtain-up!

TARO leaves. Everyone gets up and starts to stack their dishes. GREAT UNCLE turns to RIC.

UNCLE: That doesn't sound right, we should talk to that girl.
RIC: No, it's okay. Life is rough. There are worse things than a wedding.
UNCLE: Ah, come on RIC, this is a real person we're talking about.
RIC: Everyone is real, but it doesn't matter.

------LAUGHTER------

UNCLE: Well, I'm going to talk to her. You can come along if you want to.

GREAT UNCLE gets up and leaves.

MONOPOLY: Trying to do what I do will hurt yo chest
Get my pecs, ya shirt gonna stretch
Fat aint the name of my flesh
When I wave my piece you don't wanna test
If I'm shooting lil' kids you'l be da first one decked!

MONOPOLY brings out a gun. RIC gets up too and runs after GREAT UNCLE.

RIC: I want to come along!

------LAUGHTER------

SCENE 5 – SELINA'S ROOM INT. NIGHT

SELINA sits in her wedding dress in the middle of her room. There is nothing inside. Her BRIDESMAIDS are putting on her make-up.

BRIDESMAID: Stop crying, SELINA, I can't put on the mascara!
SELINA: Mascara is the least of my problems!

------LAUGHTER------

BRIDESMAID: Well, someone isn't just going to come along and fix your problems now, are they?

The door opens, GREAT UNCLE and RIC burst through it.

UNCLE: Ma'am, got any problems we can fix?

------LAUGHTER------

BRIDESMAID: How did you get in?
RIC: The first thing they teach you at NASA is how to pick locks.
SELINA: Have you come to stop me from getting married? Daddy only wants to impress his drama friends, he doesn't care about how I feel!
UNCLE: Now miss, calm down. This is RIC, he's an astronaut and I'm RIC too.

GREAT UNCLE does his RIC FACE again.

------LAUGHTER------

RIC: SELINA, I don't think you want to get married to MONOPOLY.
SELINA: He is really into his music.
UNCLE: Yeah, but did you see how fat he was?

------LAUGHTER------

SELINA: It's true, I am having doubts about this wedding. I want to please my father, but my heart cried all night last night.
RIC: Can't you just tell your father that you don't want to do it?
SELINA: I tried! But he won't listen. He acts as if I didn't say anything.
UNCLE: Sounds like you're ready for married life already, hun.

------LAUGHTER------

RIC: We're going to be on stage, we can help out.
SELINA: What are you going to do?
UNCLE: Don't worry, I'll come up with something. I usually do.

------LAUGHTER------

RIC: If we mess things up, then your father won't get angry at you.
UNCLE: And if it's one thing RIC'S good at, it's messing things up!

------LAUGHTER------

SCENE 6 – STAGE EXT. NIGHT

RIC and GREAT UNCLE file on stage with the other ACTORS and take their place in the pews. GREAT UNCLE is carrying a LARGE BUNDLE concealed in a cloth. RIC is reading from the SCRIPT. It is old and yellow and spiral-bound. TARO is standing up at the rostrum. He is reading from his own yellow SCRIPT. He is dressed as a PRIEST. Next the rostrum are many small HOUSES and BUILDINGS.

RIC: Okay, so we're clear on what we're doing. This SCRIPT is pretty complicated.
UNCLE: Don't worry, it's going to be a piece of cake. People ruin their weddings all the time.

------LAUGHTER------

TARO: Dearly beloved, we are here, in 1942, a time when every day you feared that love would be taken away from you. It makes you appreciate love all the more. We are here to see the union of a simple farm girl and a rough man of the streets.
ACTOR1: Their love can never work!
ACTOR2: They are too different.
TARO: Quiet, here she comes now.

MUSIC plays. SELINA comes walking down the aisle.

TARO: Are you ready, my daughter?
SELINA: Father -
ACTOR: Here comes the groom!

UNCOMPROMISING HIPHOP plays. MONOPOLY appears in the audience. He is wearing GIANT PLASTIC FISTS. He makes his way through the audience, dancing and shaking his FISTS.

------APPLAUSE------

MONOPOLY arrives on the stage. He takes the MIC.

MONOPOLY: I'm getting married, people!

------MORE APPLAUSE------

MONOPOLY: But before I do, I want to tell all of yous that I'm going out fighting tomorrow. I'm going off to the war!

The CROWD cheers.

MONOPOLY: And here's what I'm gonna do when I go!

MONOPOLY runs over to the little HOUSES and BUILDINGS and smashes them with his GIANT PLASTIC FISTS. While he does this, he RAPS.

MONOPOLY: When we was younger, we would pick up the hustle,
Now we're older, daydreaming of military muscle
I'm all angered in by the blackness of my heart
It's ripping me apart, now death do your part

SOLDIERS storm the stage, but MONOPOLY smashes them all with his FISTS.

MONOPOLY: If the war makes you sore, don't give me a call
Because that's what I'm made for, I'm twenty feet tall
And my wife she completes me, the cherry on the cake
You can't stop me, I'm beautiful, nothing is fake.

A LANDLORD ducks out of one of the houses just before MONOPOLY smashes it.

LANDLORD: Stop!
MONOPOLY: I'll defeat the desire to quit
In the midst of this idiot lost in the abyss
LANDLORD: You can't do this, this is my home. You can't smash it down, please!
TARO: It's okay, we'll develop it afterwards.
MONOPOLY: You'll get the rich pickings
From all these fittings
I'm kicking down
------LAUGHTER------

LANDLORD: You don't understand, this is where I've put my life. Every emotion I've had is inside the walls now. I've turned my thoughts into things and time and I've spent years making them fit into the structure of the house. If you smash it, you'll expose all my lies. You'll have proven what a waste it all was.

MONOPOLY smashes the house.

------LAUGHTER------

LANDLORD: I told you! I told you!

The LANDLORD takes out a gun and shoots MONOPOLY in the stomach. MONOPOLY goes down, the LANDLORD escapes off stage.

MONOPOLY: Don't wanna fade, don't wanna go to sleep
Wanna keep living, wanna keep thinking deep.

The first TWO FRONT ROWS of ACTORS in the pews run forward and crowd around MONOPOLY.

ACTOR1: We've got a man down!
ACTOR2: Give him room!
ACTOR1: Medic!
ACTOR2: Get the medics!
SELINA: Let me help him!

The CROWD parts at SELINA'S call. TARO hands her a field medikit.

SELINA: Father, is he really hurt?
TARO: He is, now go and help him. Only your love can save him.

SELINA goes over to MONOPOLY, she crouches down and tears the clothes around his waist. He puts her hands down on his stomach to stem the bleeding. She signals to one of the ACTORS and hands him the medikit.

TARO: We gather here to unite these two people in marriage. Today they publicly
declare their private devotion to each other. The essence of this
commitment is the acceptance of each other in entirety, as lover,
companion, and friend.

SELINA: Keep his legs down. Can you get me the bandage and the tape out of this?

A load of DOVES are released from the smashed HOUSES.

TARO: Now you will feel no rain, for each of you will be shelter to the other.
Now you will feel no cold, for each of you will be warmth to the other.
Now you will feel no loneliness, for each of you will be companion to the other.
Now you are two persons, but there is only one life before you.

SELINA applies the bandage to MONOPOLY'S gut and tears off a strip of tape with her teeth. She checks his breathing.

SELINA: He's not breathing. Give me room!

SELINA crawls over and starts performing CPR on MONOPOLY. She pounds his chest.

TARO: Go now in peace and live in love, sharing the most precious gifts you have-- the gifts of your lives. And may your days be long on this earth.

SELINA goes over to breathe into his mouth and give the KISS OF LIFE.

TARO: I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss.

Just before SELINA gets to MONOPOLY'S lips, MONOPOLY'S body slides away. We cut and see that RIC has pulled MONOPOLY by the feet away from SELINA.

RIC: If you kiss him then you'll be married!
SELINA: What?
RIC: That's how it works!

MONOPOLY sits up.

MONOPOLY: Hey man, you're messing up my big day, here in my heyday, gonna kiss me a lady!

MONOPOLY pulls a gun and shoots RIC in the stomach. RIC falls to the ground.

------LAUGHTER------

SAD MUSIC starts to play. Nobody moves.

SELINA: RIC!

SELINA runs over to RIC and starts the healing procedure on him. GREAT UNCLE stands up and pulls the cloth away from his LARGE BUNDLE. What was bundled up was his latest statue – a TOMMY GUN.

UNCLE: Nobody move or I'll ice the lot of you, see! The first thing they teach you at NASA is how to wipe out civilians. SELINA, help our boy out. The rest of you punks, get on the ground.

The CROWD and TARO does as he says. SELINA CPRs RIC. She kisses life into him. As she does that, TARO rises, his hands in the air.

TARO: I now pronounce you man and wife!
UNCLE: Gee RIC, looks like you just got married!

------LAUGHTER------

SCENE 7 – RIC'S car INT. NIGHT

RIC and GREAT UNCLE are driving in the car. SELINA is in the back seat, in her wedding dress. Everyone looks tired.

UNCLE: You sure you're all right to drive?
RIC: Yeah, I think so.
UNCLE: Good enough for me!

------LAUGHTER------

GREAT UNCLE brings his TOMMY GUN out from underneath the dashboard and looks at it. He is proud of it.

UNCLE: Well, looks like my statue did some use for once. Not a bad one either. I'll have to remake it when I get home. Don't think the WIFE would like anything so violent around.

RIC: SELINA, can I get you anything?
SELINA: No.
RIC: Do you want some water?
SELINA: No.
RIC: Should I play some music?
SELINA: No.
RIC: Thanks for saving me.
SELINA: It's okay.
RIC: Do you want something to read?
SELINA: No, it's okay.
RIC: Well what do you want?
SELINA: I want to go home.

------LAUGHTER------

SCENE 8 – RIC'S house. INT DAY

RIC and GREAT UNCLE and SELINA get in through the front door. The whole house looks different now. It is dusty and untidy. There are pictures of BURZUM up everywhere and there is a load of KID'S STUFF to be seen.

UNCLE: What happened here?
RIC: Okay, SELINA, we're going to have to explain to my wife why you have to ` stay here for a little while. She'll be fine, she'll understand.
CAROLYN(o/s, angry): RIIICC!
RIC: Ah! Hide!

------LAUGHTER------

RIC and GREAT UNCLE open up the CUPBOARD in the front room and hide SELINA inside of it. CAROLYN comes running down the stairs. She looks old and mean.

CAROLYN: You're back!
RIC: Hi honey, I'm back.
CAROLYN: I can't believe they didn't tell me!
RIC: Who didn't?

CAROLYN starts to cry. She really wails.

CAROLYN: The kids!
RIC & UNCLE: Kids?!

------LAUGHTER------

Two KIDS come down the stairs too.

CAROLYN: Yes! BURZUM'S kids!
KID1: When's BURZUM coming back, ma?
KID2: I want him to come back.
CAROLYN: BURZUM'S never coming back!

CAROLYN hugs the kids and cries.

UNCLE: Uh hey listen, it's time for me to leave.
RIC: Yeah, sure.
UNCLE: Yeah, see you later.

GREAT UNCLE makes these really big tiptoe steps to the front door and leaves very quickly.

------LAUGHTER------

RIC is left ALONE with CAROLYN and the KIDS. She arranges them on the COUCH and they all sit on it together.

CAROLYN: We're going to be a family now. We don't need BURZUM and I don't need to work for anyone.
KID1: We don't need BURZUM either, Ma.
CAROLYN: We don't need to work for anyone. We can work for ourselves.
KID2: That's right, Ma.
CAROLYN: Go upstairs and put on your best clothes, KIDS. We've got so much to do.

The KIDS run upstairs. RIC is left on the COUCH. He sits on one side, CAROLYN sits on the other. They sit there in silence for a while.

RIC kind of moves his head a bit.

CAROLYN: What are you doing?
RIC: Oh, nothing. Nothing.

Another silence. RIC sort of sighs.

CAROLYN: What was that sigh?
RIC: Nothing, I was just breathing.
CAROLYN: You breath differently now.
RIC: They shot me!

------LAUGHTER------

CAROLYN: You think I don't know you? I know you. I know you better than you know yourself.
RIC: Okay.
CAROLYN: I know that you're better than the GREAT UNCLE. You went up there and he didn't. Do you know how much of a difference that makes?
RIC: No.
CAROLYN: Now that he's gone we can take his house and turn it into a restaurant.
RIC: A restaurant?
CAROLYN: Like we always talked about.
RIC: I don't think I'd be comfortable with people being in here all the time.
CAROLYN: Don't be such an old fusser!
RIC: I'm just not so sure about it.
CAROLYN: It's not a trap. You won't change.

RIC stands up.

RIC: I'm going to go outside for a smoke.
CAROLYN: You can't. I've got your cigarette.

RIC does a 'darn!' signal with his hands. He walks out anyway. The camera looks at the CUPBOARD, where SELINA is still hiding.

She leads him out the door.

SCENE 9 – EXT. DAY

RIC leaves his house and the first thing he sees is that the GREAT UNCLE'S house is gone. It's all been knocked down. It looks like it was done a long time ago, all that's left is the ruins. RIC is alarmed, he jogs out into the garden, opens the fence that divides their properties and looks through the ruins.

Standing there in the ruins, unharmed and looking bright and shiny as new is GREAT UNCLE'S STATUE. He's changed it again. This time it's a shark. RIC walks around the STATUE and touches it. When he does this, a voice happens behind him.

VOICE (o/s): EVERYTHING

RIC turns and sees GREAT UNCLE'S WIFE'S old NASA CONSOLE that she used to solve problems. It stands out amongst the rubble. A little strip of paper is coming out of its printer.

CONSOLE: IS

RIC runs up to the CONSOLE.

CONSOLE: AN

RIC reaches the CONSOLE he moves his arm to grab the bit of paper coming out of it.

CONSOLE: ILLUSION

RIC reads the paper. We cut to his POV. The paper says: YOU WILL CHANGE. IT IS A TRAP.

RIC looks down. He doesn't know what the CONSOLE meant. He sees the picture of the GREAT UNCLE'S WIFE'S YOUNGER SELF playing tennis. He touches the photo like he tried to touch the MOON earlier.

As soon as his fingers touch the frame, CAROLYN'S voice cries out.

CAROLYN (o/s): RIIIIIIIICCCC! Who is this woman?!

RIC turns to look at CAROLYN. From his POV we see her running ever so slowly out of the HOUSE. She is furious and crying and screaming. Her EMOTIONS are coming off her like smoke from a housefire.

CAROLYN: Why did you marry her, RIC? She's a child, some little slut!

RIC looks back around to the CONSOLE. He sees DAVID sitting down in the garden – we didn't see him before.

We zoom in on DAVID. He is smoking his cigarette and drinking his coffee. He looks relaxed. He starts to narrate the ending, but instead of him just being a voice, we see him doing it right there in the chair.

DAVID: I guess life doesn't always work out the way we planned, but sometimes that's okay.

RIC'S eyes are wide. He runs for DAVID. CAROLYN is running so very slowly towards RIC in the background. DAVID carries on. He doesn't react to them.

DAVID: Life can lead you to all sorts of strange places, and some of them aren't all that bad.

RIC picks DAVID up in his chair and shakes him about. DAVID doesn't react. He keeps on talking.

DAVID: You might find that the person you married might be different, but the new person they've become is worth knowing too.

RIC smashes DAVID against the fence and against a bit of half-broken WALL. He smashes him against the CONSOLE. It has no effect.

RIC: It's not over!

Cut to CAROLYN, approaching.

CAROLYN: I want her out of this house. Typical male! Nasty little worm with your slut!

RIC throws DAVID away off screen and drops to his knees by the CONSOLE.

DAVID: If we love someone enough to let them in the first time, maybe we owe it to them to change with them. Like my UNCLE'S statue. Maybe -

RIC screams and clutches at the CONSOLE. He pleads with it.

RIC: Send me back! Send me back up there!

Cut to CAROLYN, nearly on him, screaming incoherently. Just noise.

RIC: Please! Please! Please! Please!

Cut to an overhead shot of RIC. Something falls down upon him, something square and hollow...

RIC throws his HANDS up to protect his face.

There is a CRASH.

RIC looks up. He takes his hands away. It is quiet now. Incredibly quiet. He looks around and sees that what fell on him is a SPACE SET. A hollow cube with sheets attached. The sheets have star sequins stuck onto them. Beneath him is the MOON, made out of blankets and bed pillows. The CONSOLE sits in the corner. It is so peaceful. RIC cries quietly with JOY.

RIC falls to the MOON-floor and cries a silent cry of pleasure. The EARTH is a papier-mache ball up in the sky. Ping-pong balls on wires pretend to be comets. He laughs, but no sound is made.

CAROLYN (o/s): RIC! Can you hear me down there?

RIC opens his eyes and sits up. His tears are back. He looks around in PANIC for somewhere to hide. He still makes no sound, but we hear CAROLYN'S footsteps and ------LAUGHTER------.

CAROLYN (o/s): RIC!

The footsteps and ------LAUGHTER------ gets closer and louder. RIC grabs a papier-mache meteor and tries to hide behind it but he is too big. He scrambles and PANICS and the sounds get so loud and then...

SELINA pulls aside one of the space curtains and enters RIC'S cube.

RIC is astonished. SELINA walks right up to him. She has something on a plate.

SELINA: Mr. RIC, sir. I brought you your ROLL-UP.

RIC takes the ROLL-UP from SELINA. Cut to SELINA smiling.

SELINA sits down in the corner, near the CONSOLE. RIC lights up his ROLL-UP.

RIC takes a big breath.

He exhales.

RIC: Aaaaaahh.

THE END.