Saga Of The European King

The European King looked out over his Kingdom, and he liked what he saw. What he saw was everyone at peace, just doing their thing. It was a good time for the European Kingdom, because they had no enemies that would dare to stand against its King. He was very formidable in the Politics Forum and the battlefield, and they were scared of that. They had also heard that he had spent a good deal of time living in the wild, and had once ripped off a man's jawbone because he wanted to know how it felt. He was aware of these rumours, for there was some truth in them, and he liked it that they had gotten around.

But then the King's satisfaction turned upside down because he saw something that made him very angry. From his window, he saw one of his loyal subjects shivering in the snow and being cold. The loyal subject had paid his taxes on time, every time, had fought bravely to repel invaders whenever there was an attack on the Kingdom and had been a close childhood friend of the King and sent him handmade cards on every birthday.

'Why?' thought the King. 'Why should anyone in my European Kingdom be cold and shiver so while I am King?' He then got tired of thinking it and just bellowed it out the window so everyone could hear. It made the news that night. The funny part is that even though the town crier, whose job it was to bellow at people, tried to repeat it as best he could, even he couldn't bellow as good and hard as the King did out of his window when he saw what Winter did to his people. His!



The King called a council of all his governors and his guys. They all sat in the Grand Hall, though something was wrong. The fires of the Hall were not lit, and there wasn't hot tea to drink or steaming pig-meals for them to eat. They were cold in the Grand Hall and they weren't used to that. Also, the King took his time in coming in to the Grand Hall himself, and it would have been rude for them to start talking before he got there, so everyone had to wait in the cold. This made them feel the cold more.

Just then, the King burst through the truly immense doors that led to the Grand Hall. He was followed by dozens of little guys bringing torches and gas heaters and big, hot meals and lots of kettles full of tea. They were well organised, because they had rehearsed this, so everyone was incredibly warm and toasty within seconds. Before any of the King's governors and advisors could do or say anything, the King leapt up on the table and bellowed, 'That's what we're going to do!'

Everyone was confused. They didn't know what the King was talking about. No one talked like this in Medieval Europe. They asked, as one, 'What? What are we going to do?'
'We're going to kill Winter!' replied the King.

Everyone gasped.

End Of Chapter 1

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After his breathtaking presentation in the Grand Hall, all of the King's guys and the governors and all the people who did their part in the European Kingdom all voted 'Yes' on going to war with Winter. They always voted 'Yes' to whatever it was the King said, because they loved him so much. It wasn't just them, but everyone in the kingdom, who loved the King. They loved him because he was the head of their community, and he never let them down. Whenever something threatened to destabilise or otherwise mess up the community, the King would do something right away, and it always turned out cool.
 
Also, they had once heard that he had ripped a man's jaw off, and that the man was his best friend, so they were also a little afraid he might do it again.
 
After the votes came in, the King went around the Grand Hall and personally hugged each and every one of his guys and the governors, because he was so grateful that he could now, in good grace, put an end to Winter and save everyone from being cold and miserable for one half of their entire lives.
 
The King got all of his generals and closest, most trusted advisors to a secret war council in his bedroom. He had been to war with many of them, and on little mini-sagas and adventures with the others. All of them had found treasure and artifacts with the King, and fought monsters and assholes by his side. He trusted them. They were like a little community inside the bigger community that was the European Kingdom.

The King had a plan. He'd figured it all out.

 
"We need half of our army to travel to the Chillilious Plains," he said to General Majesty, who was the guy who had trained the King in soldiering and was a close childhood friend. General Majesty nodded, stood up and addressed the room.
“It will be many miles and take half a year for my troops and I to travel there, but I'll do it anyway because I love the King. We -all- love the King.”

He said. They hugged.

 
"They'll need to build a completely defendable fort when they get there. Maybe even a castle. They'll have to clear-cut the Forest Of Dark Ice for materials. Mechanicus will travel with General Majesty with a load of his best engineers and foresters." This he said to Mechanicus, who nodded.
“My expertise in the building arts are at your handsome command, Your Majesty,” he said.

Mechanicus was an expert engineer/builder who could invent anything and build whatever you wanted. He was from the future, but the King didn't know that yet. They had met on one of the King's adventures and he had saved the day when the King needed to fend off an army of giant birds that would arrive in the morning. Mechanicus built a whole load of weapons and shields and the King's army was able to beat the birds one time. Mechanicus nodded, and they hugged.
 
"As for the other half of the army, a quarter will march with us into the Lands Of Winter,” said the King. “I will command them directly. The remaining quarter will stay here and keep the peace and protect the European Kingdom. Commander Flightfeather will command them." Commander Flightfeather, who was part bird and a close childhood friend of the King (the King had mended his wing when he fell out of a tree as a baby) nodded.
“Not a fledgling tuft of evil shall trespass within sweet European air under my watch,” he chirped. The King held out some seeds on his palm to lure him closer and, when he was within range, they hugged.
 
"Accompanying me will be Axe Axewound -”
“The fighter!” said Axe Axewound.
“Father Dominoes -”
“The healer,” said Father Dominoes.
“Yes. Colonel Glowfist -”
“The archmage!” said Colonel Glowfist.
“Aha, yes, that's who you are. And finally, Sally Minefield -”
“The woman / thief, in case you need to open stuff." said Sally Minefield.
“Jesus Sally, we all know who you are and what you do, all right. You don't have to say it out loud.”
“Sorry, Your Highness," she said.
“Don't be sorry, Sally. Be right.”

Everyone nodded and they all hugged one another, then the King started tickling Axewound and everyone then got tickling each other and they all fell around laughing and having a good time as friends.
 
Then the King stood up and cracked his wooden knuckles and they got serious again.
 
"Gentlemen," he said. "Let's go kill us some Winter!"

The King's war council followed out his orders very quickly and within a day and a half there were troops on their way to the Chillilious Plains, troops securing the battlements all over the Kingdom and a whole lot of troops lined up in the Town Square of the Capital Of Europe.

The King made his goodbyes to all of his friends and family. It was hard to do so, because they thought that maybe he wouldn't come back because maybe some asshole might stab the King. The King was too cool and lucky for that, and he tried to tell them this, but they just wouldn't listen. The King had spent all night in the Kingdom's Royal Vaults shopping for presents for everyone. He didn't need to pay for them, because they were his to start off with. Most of the treasures were stuff he'd picked up off dead goblins and evil wizards, or found in the coffers of evil, rival Kingdoms that he'd personally sacked. Others were passed down from his Royal Bloodline, and others still were gifts from some of his friends.

He had already given his Magic Telephone to General Majesty before he left. This was less of a gift and more of a practical move, because it allowed the King to talk to General Majesty whenever he felt like it, and visa versa. The King had made it look like a gift, by wrapping it and telling General Majesty that he could call him any time and they could shoot the breeze and stuff, but all the while he knew how useful it would be to be able to tell him to attack the Chillilious Plains at any moment. The General just thought it was an awesome gift, and thanked him. Mechanicus got a hammer that never ran out, which would be handy for work.

Out in the middle of the Town Square, in front of everyone, the King gave to his son a forcefield belt, so he would be hard to kill or to bully. He did this because he loved his son and never wanted him to die, or to be bullied. The King was not married, and he'd only been going out with this one girl for a week or so, so he didn't need to give her anything. It wasn't expected of him.

To Commander Flightfeather, he gave a tiny parakeet-sized human being. The idea was that Flightfeather could keep it in a cage like people keep birds. Commander Flightfeather didn't like the gift so much, but pretended to.

To his Adventure Friends, he gave the best gifts. He did this because since they would be close to him throughout the whole of the Winter mission, he would be able to borrow them fairly often. To Axe Axewound, he gave an enchanted flaming axe that was also a magic tent that could accommodate three people (it was always warm.) To Father Dominoes, he gave a solid gold Bible that always returned to the carrier when a magic word was spoken. It was quite heavy, so he also got a Scarf Of Strength so that he could lift it. To Colonel Glowfist, he gave a License To Kick Ass, which would come in useful later on. To Sally Minefield, he gave her an amulet that would let her breathe underwater, in case they came across any underwater locks.

Everybody cried, because they were in touch with their feelings. The community of Europe was sad that their leader would be gone, but they were glad that Commander Flightfeather would look after them and that the King's son would grow up fairly soon and carry on Kinging, even though they were pretty sure that the King would return. A lot of people started making plans for the year-long summers they would enjoy after Winter was killed. So, it was sad, but it was also happy, if you think about it.

The King's party, with a quarter of the European Army marching out in front, made their way North, which is the most logical place for Winter to be. They didn't get very far (2 miles) outside the gates of Europe's Capital City before danger struck, in the form of the hated birds!

End Of Chapter 3

"Birds!" cried the King. He was angry. "This close to the Captial City Of Europe?"

"How can this be?" moaned Axe Axewound, who hadn't figured it out yet. They birds were puffins and penguins. They were Winter birds. Winter had heard about the adventure to kill him, and he was obviously scared. So he sent birds. The King was pretty sure already that this was the case, so he was already waist deep in birds, killing them every which way. He was just laughing and saying "Birds are shit! Birds are shit!" over and over.

Everyone just watched the King do this, since he seemed to know what he was doing. Eventually, the King was just covered in birds and no one could see him and they allowed themselves to think that maybe the King was in danger, and then they felt so bad because, what if the whole quest had ended two miles outside of Europe's Capital City because they had just been chilling, watching the King get eaten by birds? Then they felt shame in their hearts, but the shame mixed with their warrior blood and it made them want to hurt birds, really bad.

Axe Axewound used his flaming enchanted axe to cut a fiery, bloody swathe through the birds to get to the King. The idea was that he was supposed to be followed by Father Dominoes so that he could do a heal on the King and he'd be okay. The army of guys with magic swords ran at the birds to distract them and piss them off, so Colonel Glowfist could work up some kind of awesome spell to make everything cool again. Sally the thief just kind of waved her knife around and nearly got puffined to death.

Axe brought down lots and lots of birds. More birds even than that. It was so many birds. He had been a veteran of the European Bird Wars, so he both hated birds (he didn't get on with Commander Flightfeather, but they had a mutual respect thing going) and was very good at killing them. Also, his axe was on fire, so the birds that were just near him got set on fire and flew off and set other birds on fire and, wow, there were a lot of dead birds. But when he cut through to save the King, he found that the King was just sitting down, totally cool. There wasn't a bird on him, they were all maintaining a polite distance. There were two birds sitting in his lap. He was talking to them calmly and gently, like a father. He was kind of like a father to Europe, and also to his son, so this came naturally to him.

Just then, Colonel Glowfist sucked each and every bird into his mouth and ate them all, even though there were thousands. All that was left was a field covered in bird poo and lots of feathers, as well as the two birds that the King had in his lap. The King looked up, disappointed. He shouted out across the field to Colonel Glowfist.

"Did I give the order for you to eat those birds, honoured Colonel?" He bellowed.

Colonel Glowfist could not answer, because he was eating thousands of birds.

"What did you say to those two birds, Your Highness?" said Axe Axewound, softly. The King looked down at the two birds in his lap. They looked up at him. They were tamer than shoes. He looked back up at Axe Axewound.

"I told them about sadness, Axe. And they 'got' me." Axe knew what he was talking about. Just then, Father Dominoes arrived, out of breath, because he was fat. But the King didn't need much healing. That was cool, because Sally Minefield needed, like, eight heals just so she could survive the night.

They decided to name the two birds Gadfly and Formation, after much debate. Gadfly was a penguin, Formation was a puffin. They followed the King's party wherever they went. They would play a valuable role later on.

Meanwhile, General Majesty's contingent had met a strange old man…

End Of Chapter 4

“Please move your goats, old man.” This is General Majesty speaking. “We are under direct orders of the King Of Europe. Do not defy him!” General Majesty was speaking to a strange old man who was herding a lot of goats across the road. He wanted to march his troops across that road but he couldn’t, because of the goats.

“They are there, General Majesty, because I have something to tell you,” nodded the old man. He smiled, like an old Japanese cleaning woman. General Majesty was kind, and he got people, so he let the strange old man speak, though it was hard to hear him sometimes over the goats.
“Very well, venerable friend. Who are you?” said the General.
“I am the one who will warn you of great danger. Your mission North will end in tragedy and defeat. You will be betrayed, and it will hurt. It will hurt you real bad.”
“I do not believe you. You are just a strange old man.”

But the old man was gone. To General Majesty and Mechanicus and everyone else, it looked as if he just vanished. But the camera focuses on a goat in the herd that looks different. It looks strange and old. It laughs in goat and leads the other goats away, clearing the road. General Majesty shrugs and leads his troops on down the road.

“Who would betray us?” said Mechanicus to General Majesty some time later. “Who would betray the King?”
“Maybe you, Mechanicus. Ever think of that?”
“Well, what about you?” snapped Mechanicus cleverly. At that, General Majesty started crying. He tried not to let Mechanicus know that he was crying, but Mechanicus had known the General since they were both small boys. Mechanicus was sad then, because he didn’t want to have made his friend sad. They hugged and later, Mechanicus made ice-cream for the General and all of his men.

Everyone slept soundly and they forgot all about the strange old man.

End Of Chapter 5